im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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