I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
