dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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