If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
