Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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