I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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