i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
