I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
