I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
you traded sex for a burrito?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
