I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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