my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
