Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I have already put on my inside pants.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
