you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
