She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
