So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize