Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
