I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Randomize
