so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
