Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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