And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
