he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
