I just saw a hot homeless man
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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