he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
