i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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