I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
