Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
