i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Less talking, more tequila
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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