Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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