That's intense
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Floor bacon is actually really good
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
