the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
