I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Randomize
