just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
