he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
