I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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