I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
