I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
