At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
