That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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