Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
