that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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