Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
