my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
