omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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