just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Send help, water and tortillas.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
