I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
