Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize