oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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