He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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