I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
