I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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