hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
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