tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
