The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
